The rain has passed.
After jumping back and forth on the several stages of that healing process: shock, denial, anger, worthlessness, acceptance, anger, acceptance, denial, acceptance, rehabilitation, reconstruction, I can finally say that I am in that final stage: compassion. I’m fine. I am finally happy.
Life is indeed beautiful. It will open your eyes. It will make you see that the things that had seemed so impossible really are possible. You may get hurt in the process but all wounds heal. Pain is not forever.
Life will teach lessons that may unfold painfully but still…you learn.
Forgive but don’t forget.
I have forgiven you for cluelessly leaving me six years ago and again…now. You have your reasons and I don’t want to know what they are anymore, because I have learned to respect people and their decisions. I have forgiven myself for not standing up after falling flat on my face, depending on someone for MY happiness and inviting anger and self pity as a weapon to forget. But I will not forget. I will not forget the lessons you taught me along the way. You had been the shoulder that I leaned on twice. And it only proves that you’re a good man who deserves all the happiness in this world. And I truly understand that I am not part of that. That’s why you left.
There are things better left unsaid.
The truth won’t set everyone free. Sometimes it could only complicate things. I learned that people must sometimes keep quiet, say nothing or lie just to keep someone out of their crazy lives so that one person won’t be swayed from living their own lives. Especially if you want that someone to be happy. I want you to be happy. And I had to lie. I had to make you believe that I just used you, that I didn’t feel anything, that I was numb. I had to make you think that I am that type of woman whom you can’t trust, who can possibly do horrible things, who didn’t take relationships seriously. I just had to make you believe that I don’t love you. I had to make you believe that I love someone else. I just had to.Because I learned that the truth wouldn’t change anything. I’ve gotten used to thinking that what’s true don’t always lead to a happy ending. Might as well lie, so others would be happy. The utilitarian principle applies.
Everything comes to an end.
Nothing is permanent in this world. Leaves fall. Flowers whither. Even movies have their ending. Closure is necessary so everyone can finally take a deep breath and move on with their lives. If there is no ending, no closure, a new chapter will never begin. There really is something “good” in goodbye. Spectacular things will be revealed which makes it more exciting. I was once stuck for a brief moment but I have realized that I have to move. There’s no other way but forward.
Everything happens for a reason.
The reason for seeing you again is clear to me now. It’s to make me realize that people like me can love, get hurt, get up again and find a happy ending. Maybe the happy ending is not finding a guy. Maybe the happy ending is just me, picking up the pieces, starting over and moving on.
Thank you. It was one awesome adventure.
i can feel you with those words ma'am. it was a very very nice piece. :)
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