There’s always a rainbow after the rain…

The rain has passed.

After jumping back and forth on the several stages of that healing process: shock, denial, anger, worthlessness, acceptance, anger, acceptance, denial, acceptance, rehabilitation, reconstruction, I can finally say that I am in that final stage: compassion. I’m fine. I am finally happy.

Life is indeed beautiful. It will open your eyes. It will make you see that the things that had seemed so impossible really are possible. You may get hurt in the process but all wounds heal. Pain is not forever.

Life will teach lessons that may unfold painfully but still…you learn.

Forgive but don’t forget.

I have forgiven you for cluelessly leaving me six years ago and again…now. You have your reasons and I don’t want to know what they are anymore, because I have learned to respect people and their decisions. I have forgiven myself for not standing up after falling flat on my face, depending on someone for MY happiness and inviting anger and self pity as a weapon to forget. But I will not forget. I will not forget the lessons you taught me along the way. You had been the shoulder that I leaned on twice. And it only proves that you’re a good man who deserves all the happiness in this world. And I truly understand that I am not part of that. That’s why you left.

There are things better left unsaid.

The truth won’t set everyone free. Sometimes it could only complicate things. I learned that people must sometimes keep quiet, say nothing or lie just to keep someone out of their crazy lives so that one person won’t be swayed from living their own lives. Especially if you want that someone to be happy. I want you to be happy. And I had to lie. I had to make you believe that I just used you, that I didn’t feel anything, that I was numb. I had to make you think that I am that type of woman whom you can’t trust, who can possibly do horrible things, who didn’t take relationships seriously. I just had to make you believe that I don’t love you. I had to make you believe that I love someone else. I just had to.Because I learned that the truth wouldn’t change anything. I’ve gotten used to thinking that what’s true don’t always lead to a happy ending. Might as well lie, so others would be happy. The utilitarian principle applies.

Everything comes to an end.

Nothing is permanent in this world. Leaves fall. Flowers whither. Even movies have their ending.  Closure is necessary so everyone can finally take a deep breath and move on with their lives. If there is no ending, no closure, a new chapter will never begin. There really is something “good” in goodbye. Spectacular things will be revealed which makes it more exciting. I was once stuck for a brief moment but I have realized that I have to move. There’s no other way but forward.

Everything happens for a reason.

The reason for seeing you again is clear to me now. It’s to make me realize that people like me can love, get hurt, get up again and find a happy ending. Maybe the happy ending is not finding a guy. Maybe the happy ending is just me, picking up the pieces, starting over and moving on.

Thank you. It was one awesome adventure. 

And the crown goes to…

When I was a kid, I remember coming home crying. My dad asked why and my reason was this: I got voted class president. My dad said, “that’s great, you’ll lead the class, what’s wrong with that?” Then I replied, “I wanted to be the muse”. Till now my dad tells that story to everyone. And every time he did, they would laugh. I didn’t know why though.

Then there’s this one time I was asked what I wanted to be when I grow up, I said, “ I want to be an SM sales lady”. Everyone would laugh. Again, I didn’t know why.

Editor in Chief of our High School paper, I was tasked to represent our school in that National Press Conference. They had a beauty pageant and my adviser dressed me up to join. I won, “Ms. Friendship.”

There was even a time when I’m about to meet this guy for the first time who ran like there’s a stampede going on when he saw me in person.

My exes told me that I’m the most beautiful thing that ever happened to them. But take note of the word “thing”.  And every time these exes were asked what is it in me that they love most, they’d tell me, “matalino ka, funny,  mabait, malambing, maasikaso”…”ano pa?” …”inaantok na ko, tulog na tayo.”

Okay, stop laughing.

Well I was programmed to believe that I was pretty. What kind of mother or father would look their kid in the eye and tell her, “hey, you’re ugly, don’t go outside.” or “ we’re very sorry if you ended up like that, I ate something really bad when I was conceiving.” Of course they’d tell you’re pretty. Just to boost your confidence or something. Or maybe just by telling you the truth it’ll slap their faces that your genes came from them. Or just by looking at your parents the truth will strike you you’d asked them, “sinong totoo kong magulang?”( I once entertained that thought)

So what am I saying here?  At this point in my life, it’s just now that I realized that in this crazy world, looks has always been a qualifying factor. That in this world, the reality is that, pathetic guys, those dipsh*ts,  go for those women with slender arms, manicured nails, long shiny hair and the Angelina Jolie look. And those pathetic guys are the ones you want. That being “unpretty” can be a reason for those pathetic douche bags not wanting you. Which I think is pathetic. But hey, that’s how it is. (I’ve seen a lot of women cry over those guys who ditched them saying the spark was gone and all that, then they settle with a prettier girl...F*ck that spark-lie, it isnt true, the only thing that should spark are their houses when you burn them..just kidding)

So what we foxy, awesome, funny, smart , pretty (in the truest sense of the word) women can do (aside from getting a nose job, plastic surgery or soaking our faces in salted water with chlorine) is dump those guys, forget about them, go for those who are in their sane mind who sees the real beauty in us, inside and out, beyond our skin. Those men who would make us feel that we are Angelina Jolie, treating us like a real Beauty Queen.

Because these are the men who have the balls and are brave enough to fall in love. These are the men who wouldn’t give you any reasons why they love you, because the heart can’t think nor rationalize, it could only feel. They are the ones who can look us straight in the eye and say, “YOU MADE MY LIFE BEAUTIFUL”.

“When life gives you lemons….”

I have a confession to make. About two weeks ago, I was like the lead role in the film He’s Just Not that Into You. That stupid desperate woman who was so stuck up in finding her one true love. Throwing herself out (not literally) to every guy she thinks was giving out signals that he likes her so she did things that made them ignore her. Making her feel like a loser.  Making her feel left out.

But like any film that ends, that emptiness ended. Because Gigi or Anne or any woman ultimately has their own turning point. Mine came like how that cliché is all explained to us: “when life gives you lemons, make lemonades”.

I learned how to be delighted in simple things. No lines in atms. Free toilet paper with a pack of diapers. And to top it all just looking at the stars at night wraps up my crazed up day.

Simply put, I’ve learned to accept what life gives me. I’ve learned to understand that you can’t get  everything you want. I’ve learned that though you really want something that bad, all you could do is wait until you’re just too tired of waiting, too tired of pretending, too tired of expecting. Too sick and tired of being sick and tired.

You just have to graciously welcome all those disappointments with your head up and your eyes wide open. That overrated word “ happiness” does not depend on anyone but yourself. That overused third act “finding your true love” does not literally mean “look for” or “search”. It just comes…like a lemon dropping off a tree.

It’s not giving up. It’s just acceptance. Swallow it bit by bit. Take it one frustration at a time. And maybe just maybe, you’ll get used to it too. Like its second nature. Like its normal. Because you just can’t stop those damn lemons from falling off.